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Mitch Hedberg One Liners

I haven't slept for ten days... because that would be too long.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I like Kit Kats, unless I'm with four or more people.

The last time I called 'shotgun', we had rented a limo, so I f*ked up.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

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