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That awkward moment when you realize that "Hakuna Matata" is the PG version of I don't give a f*ck.
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Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.
I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
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It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.
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I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said "hey that's my shit!"
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Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
Fucking b*tch.
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"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
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Everyone's middle name should be "Motherf*ckin" . Try it. Doesn't it sound so great?
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Never trust a man with short legs his brains too near his bottom.
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My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
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I never forget a face, but in your case Id be glad to make an exception.
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I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
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My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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