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When you're struggling to think of valid excuses to get out of going to social events
"6:30, dinner with me."
I can't cancel that again.
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I watched Bob's last HBO special in hi-def. Because in order to enjoy it, you have to be either high or deaf.
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[Heckler] I bet you work in telephone solicitation, right?
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What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
One is a human being belonging to a particular religious minority and the other is a delicious Italian food favoured by English speaking western cultures.
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Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: slightly aged post it note glue
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A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic, and it's destroying he's family
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Why did the man drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
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Why did the man stop suddenly in the street?
His unhealthy diet, alcoholism and smoking habit caused him to have a heart attack at the age of 56. He died because of it.
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