Best Long Jokes
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You ever drive through McDonalds drive-thru. You try to talk yourself into ordering something healthy.
Try to psych yourself up. Like, Im gonna get a grilled chircken salad and a bottle of water, grilled chicken salad and a bottle of water, grilled chi
Can I help you?
Yeah, gimme a #1 biggie size, with some gravy on it, couple o cinnamon rolls, can you dip the bag in chocolate? Can you do that?!
And a grilled chicken salad and a bottle of water.
And di you ever extra fries at the bottom of your McDonalds bag?
Doesnt that make your week?
Like Oh! It aint over!!!!!
I found some under the napkins!
Oh, this is a happy meal, right here!
Tim Hawkins Jokes, Mcdonald Jokes,
Try to psych yourself up. Like, Im gonna get a grilled chircken salad and a bottle of water, grilled chicken salad and a bottle of water, grilled chi
Can I help you?
Yeah, gimme a #1 biggie size, with some gravy on it, couple o cinnamon rolls, can you dip the bag in chocolate? Can you do that?!
And a grilled chicken salad and a bottle of water.
And di you ever extra fries at the bottom of your McDonalds bag?
Doesnt that make your week?
Like Oh! It aint over!!!!!
I found some under the napkins!
Oh, this is a happy meal, right here!
Tim Hawkins Jokes, Mcdonald Jokes,
100%
okay cl, your test is on friday
thats not bad, at least i have the weekend free now
um sir? i think we suld have it on monday, that way we have more time to study
*melvin raises hand*
youre right. the test is on monday so make sure to study this weekend!
melvin!!
Memes, Melvin Meme, Study Jokes,
thats not bad, at least i have the weekend free now
um sir? i think we suld have it on monday, that way we have more time to study
*melvin raises hand*
youre right. the test is on monday so make sure to study this weekend!
melvin!!
Memes, Melvin Meme, Study Jokes,
0%
Me after getting my wisdom teeth extracted
*Still high on laughing gas*
Suddenly I get the greatest idea to text my crush!
*Actual Messages*
Me: Yea I was just going to say that I think your wonderful and I really like you. Wanna hook up sometime?
Crush: Yes! That would be great :)
The next day when I finally get over the laughing gas she texts me and I figure out what went down.
Memes, Freddie Meme, Wisdom Teeth Jokes,
*Still high on laughing gas*
Suddenly I get the greatest idea to text my crush!
*Actual Messages*
Me: Yea I was just going to say that I think your wonderful and I really like you. Wanna hook up sometime?
Crush: Yes! That would be great :)
The next day when I finally get over the laughing gas she texts me and I figure out what went down.
Memes, Freddie Meme, Wisdom Teeth Jokes,
0%
tughtfulness
"i like parties, but i don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. let's kick its ."
Demotivational Posters, Demetri Martin Jokes, Donkey Jokes,
"i like parties, but i don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. let's kick its ."
Demotivational Posters, Demetri Martin Jokes, Donkey Jokes,
0%
A 17 year-old Antartian boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."
Antartian Jokes, Stupid People Quotes,
Antartian Jokes, Stupid People Quotes,
0%
There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, "I heard on TV that wine is good for the health." The other one said, "Well, let's go to Italy, then. The Italians drink lots of wine."
So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge.
A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge.
Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing.
The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
Funny Wine Jokes, Funny Vampire Jokes, Great Long Jokes
So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by, the vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge.
A few minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body over the bridge.
Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice singing.
The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge, singing, "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
Funny Wine Jokes, Funny Vampire Jokes, Great Long Jokes
0%
A little girl and her American mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, Mommy, How old are you?
The mother responded, Honey, women dont talk about their age. Youll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, Mommy, how much do you weigh?
Her mother responded again, Thats another thing women dont talk about. Youll learn this, too, as you grow up.
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now.
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friends house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation.
The girlfriend said, All you have to do is sneak a look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. Youre 32 years old.
The mother was very shocked. She asked, Sweetheart, how do you know that?
The little girl shrugged and said, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.
Where did you learn that?
The little girl said, I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an F in sex.
Daughter Jokes, Mother Jokes, Smart Jokes, Female Jokes,
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, Mommy, How old are you?
The mother responded, Honey, women dont talk about their age. Youll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, Mommy, how much do you weigh?
Her mother responded again, Thats another thing women dont talk about. Youll learn this, too, as you grow up.
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now.
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friends house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation.
The girlfriend said, All you have to do is sneak a look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. Youre 32 years old.
The mother was very shocked. She asked, Sweetheart, how do you know that?
The little girl shrugged and said, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.
Where did you learn that?
The little girl said, I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an F in sex.
Daughter Jokes, Mother Jokes, Smart Jokes, Female Jokes,
0%
An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.
''How much is this one?'' he asked. ''Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20,'' he explained.
''How much is that one?'' he asked ''Well that one is a female brain and its $100.'' he explained.
''And how much is that one?'' he asked. ''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' he explained.
''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked. ''Well it has hardly been used!''
Brain Jokes, Funny Jokes About Men,
''How much is this one?'' he asked. ''Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20,'' he explained.
''How much is that one?'' he asked ''Well that one is a female brain and its $100.'' he explained.
''And how much is that one?'' he asked. ''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' he explained.
''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked. ''Well it has hardly been used!''
Brain Jokes, Funny Jokes About Men,
0%
A little girl walks into a shop. A lady behind the counter says "you're a lovely girl what's your name?
Daisy she replies, the lady says "well thats lovely how did you get a name like that" the little girl replies when my mommy was pregnant a daisy petal landed on her tummy so she called me daisy.
The next day another little girl walks into the shop and again the lady says "you're a lovely girl what's your name the girl replies Rose , the lady says "well thats lovely how did you get a name like that" the little girl replies " when my mommy was pregnant a rose petal fell on her tummy so she called me Rose".
The lady say "well thats lovely".
The next day a retarded little girl walks into the shop drooling and struggling to walk. The lady says umm what's your name the little girl replies "Piano".
Retarded Jokes, Disabled Joke, Piano Puns,
Daisy she replies, the lady says "well thats lovely how did you get a name like that" the little girl replies when my mommy was pregnant a daisy petal landed on her tummy so she called me daisy.
The next day another little girl walks into the shop and again the lady says "you're a lovely girl what's your name the girl replies Rose , the lady says "well thats lovely how did you get a name like that" the little girl replies " when my mommy was pregnant a rose petal fell on her tummy so she called me Rose".
The lady say "well thats lovely".
The next day a retarded little girl walks into the shop drooling and struggling to walk. The lady says umm what's your name the little girl replies "Piano".
Retarded Jokes, Disabled Joke, Piano Puns,
0%
Hey Jim! said Jims friend Sam.
If you stick out your tongue I can read your personality.
Jim promptly stuck out his tongue.
Sams reading was quick in coming, I can tell from your tongue that you are gullible!
Friend Jokes, Friendship Jokes,
If you stick out your tongue I can read your personality.
Jim promptly stuck out his tongue.
Sams reading was quick in coming, I can tell from your tongue that you are gullible!
Friend Jokes, Friendship Jokes,
0%
Harry and Barbras marriage has been on the rocks for a while, so when they hear about a marriage seminar being given in their neighborhood they decide to attend.
One of the most important things in marriage, said the speaker, is to get to really know your spouse well.
For example, continued the speaker, How many of you know whats your wifes favorite type of flower? Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, its gold medal all-purpose flour isnt it?
Old Married Couple Jokes, Good Wife Jokes,
One of the most important things in marriage, said the speaker, is to get to really know your spouse well.
For example, continued the speaker, How many of you know whats your wifes favorite type of flower? Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, its gold medal all-purpose flour isnt it?
Old Married Couple Jokes, Good Wife Jokes,
0%
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup.
Everything is fine, said the doctor, Youre doing OK for your age. For my age? questioned Sam, Im only 75, do you think Ill make it to 80? Well said the doctor, do you drink or smoke?
No Sam replied. Do you eat fatty meat or sweets? No said Sam I am very careful about what I eat. How about your activities?
Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing?
No said Sam taken aback, I would never engage in dangerous activities. Well, said the doctor, then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?
Doctor Jokes, Skiing Jokes
Everything is fine, said the doctor, Youre doing OK for your age. For my age? questioned Sam, Im only 75, do you think Ill make it to 80? Well said the doctor, do you drink or smoke?
No Sam replied. Do you eat fatty meat or sweets? No said Sam I am very careful about what I eat. How about your activities?
Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing?
No said Sam taken aback, I would never engage in dangerous activities. Well, said the doctor, then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?
Doctor Jokes, Skiing Jokes
0%
A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat.
Wheres your seat belt young man? asked the cop.
Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car, responded the man.
No you didnt! exclaimed his wife, you never wear your seat belt!. A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license. Aw shucks! cried the man, I must have left it home!
Yeah right! screamed his wife, You know it expired 3 months ago! At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman are you always so tough on him?!
No responded the young woman, only when he had too much to drink!.
Cop Jokes, Drinking Puns
Wheres your seat belt young man? asked the cop.
Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car, responded the man.
No you didnt! exclaimed his wife, you never wear your seat belt!. A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license. Aw shucks! cried the man, I must have left it home!
Yeah right! screamed his wife, You know it expired 3 months ago! At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman are you always so tough on him?!
No responded the young woman, only when he had too much to drink!.
Cop Jokes, Drinking Puns
0%
A new servant being engaged was told by the mistress that the previous maid was discharged owing to the discovery of a follower in the kitchen.
The new maid stated that she never had followers, so was engaged.
A few evenings later, the mistress, having smelt tobacco smoke, went into the kitchen and found a soldier hiding in the coal cellar.
The maid denied all knowledge of the soldier, and said that it must be one left by the last maid.
Smoker Jokes, Soldier Jokes,
The new maid stated that she never had followers, so was engaged.
A few evenings later, the mistress, having smelt tobacco smoke, went into the kitchen and found a soldier hiding in the coal cellar.
The maid denied all knowledge of the soldier, and said that it must be one left by the last maid.
Smoker Jokes, Soldier Jokes,
0%
There is a guy at the bar and he's feeling low.
He walks in and he sits down next to a man with leprosy, who also had his share of bad luck. The young man says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer," so, he gets one. He drinks it fast, and runs and throws up.
The guy with leprosy says, "If I make you that uncomfortable, well, I will leave , OK?" The other guy says, "No, you ain't making me sick, it's the guy behind you. He's dipping his nachos into your back!"
Guy Jokes, Bar Jokes, Beer Humor,
He walks in and he sits down next to a man with leprosy, who also had his share of bad luck. The young man says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer," so, he gets one. He drinks it fast, and runs and throws up.
The guy with leprosy says, "If I make you that uncomfortable, well, I will leave , OK?" The other guy says, "No, you ain't making me sick, it's the guy behind you. He's dipping his nachos into your back!"
Guy Jokes, Bar Jokes, Beer Humor,
0%
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