Greg Giraldo (to David Hasselhoff):
"Hasselhoff you drunk fuck, your liver so shriveled, black and dead if you put your ear to your side, you would hear it say 'Whachoo talkin' 'bout Willis!?'"
Lisa Lampanelli (to David Hasselhoff):
"David, I'm not saying you're an alcoholic, but your liver is so black and bloated it could have starred in 'Precious'."
When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Shit! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she slept with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.