Tim: Sometimes my wife gets mad at me for behaving wrong in her dreams.
Wife: I had a horrible dream last night. Wanna hear about it?
Wife: I'm going to tell you anyways. A grizzly bear was chasing me through the woods with his teeth. He was going to eat me and you did nothing. You just sat there and didn't do a thing!
Time: What was I doing?
Wife: You were playing poker with a rabbit, that's what you were doing. And that's the thing! You would do something like that! You would play poker with a rabbit while I was being eaten by a bear. Luckily a giant unicorn came and saved me. That's how I got saved. Not by you!
my girl got into a fight at the club last night.. she had to spend the night at the spital, she just came me now, looking like this, i'm so sorry i wasn't there to save you, i love you and i promise i'll be there for you always
keep scrolling if you want giant spiders with huge s filled with venom to rape you in your sleep at 3:00 am and you get pregnant with spider eggs even if you're a guy and they'll eat you from the inside.
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, He should've quit while he was a head
A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, covered in shit, crossed her path.
"Oh dear," said the lady,"come on, I'll clean you." She took a kleenex from her purse and did a really good job. A few minutes later and another duck, covered in shit, crossed her path. Again she cleaned it down. A few minutes later she saw another duck, again covered in shit.
"Now I have had it!" she screamed, "What have you been doing?" Again she cleaned down the duck and carried on her way. As she walked on she suddenly heard a voice from behind the bushes.
"Hey you lady," the male voice sounded in distress."Yes?" ; she replied."Do you have any more kleenex?" He said.
"Not anymore now." The lady said. "Awwww shit! Well can you pass me another duck please!"
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle.
Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,
"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."