Mitch Hedberg Jokes

 – 32 total
I used to hate you, Justin Bieber

I still do, but I used to, too
I used to hate you, Justin Bieber

I still do, but I used to, too


Memes,  Hate You Jokes,  Justin Bieber Diss,  
    
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Perception

"A fly was very close to being called a 'land,' cause that's what they do half the time."
Perception

"A fly was very close to being called a 'land,' cause that's what they do half the time."


Demotivational Posters,  Funny Fly Jokes,  
    
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I find that a duck's opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I find that a duck's opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Funny Quotes,  Duck Humor,  
    
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"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut...

... I just could not imagine the scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a donut."
"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut...

... I just could not imagine the scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a donut."


Funny Jokes,  Doughnut Jokes,  
    
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I was gonna have my teeth whitened

But then I said, I'll just get a tan instead
I was gonna have my teeth whitened

But then I said, I'll just get a tan instead


Meme,  Teeth Whitening Jokes,  
    
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I'm wearing a belt that is holding up my pants, my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. 

I don't know what's going on down there!
I'm wearing a belt that is holding up my pants, my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt.

I don't know what's going on down there!


Meme,  Belt Jokes,  
    
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I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down. 

-Mitch Hedberg
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

-Mitch Hedberg


Funny Jokes,  Map Jokes,  
    
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one.

So I got a cake.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one.

So I got a cake.


Funny Jokes,  Cake Jokes,  
    
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someone handed me a picture and said, "this is a picture of me when i was younger." 

every picture of you is when you were younger. "here's a picture of me when i'm older." ly , lemme see that camera.
someone handed me a picture and said, "this is a picture of me when i was younger."

every picture of you is when you were younger. "here's a picture of me when i'm older." ly , lemme see that camera.


Funny Jokes,  List Of Best Jokes,  
    
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I have a vest.

If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
I have a vest.

If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.


Meme,  Arm Jokes,  
    
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I haven't slept for 10 days

Because that would be too long.
I haven't slept for 10 days

Because that would be too long.


Meme,  Funny Sleep Sayings,  
    
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I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Meme,  Good Clean Joke,  
    
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"i think pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to sw up, a truck-load of potatoes came. pringles is a laid-back company. so they just said, ' it! cut 'em up!' "
"i think pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to sw up, a truck-load of potatoes came. pringles is a laid-back company. so they just said, ' it! cut 'em up!' "

Funny Jokes,  Pringles Jokes,  
    
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My friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. You gotta give me time to guess."
My friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. You gotta give me time to guess."

Funny Jokes,  Guess What Jokes,  
    
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on a stoplight green means go, yellow means ld on, and red means stop. 

on a banana, it's the exact opposite. yellow means go, green means ld on, and red means where the  did you get that banana at?
on a stoplight green means go, yellow means ld on, and red means stop.

on a banana, it's the exact opposite. yellow means go, green means ld on, and red means where the did you get that banana at?


Meme,  Fruit And Vegetable Jokes,  
    
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