Old Jew Jokes

 – 8 total
Ramses

Y u no deliver my people?!
Ramses

Y u no deliver my people?!


Memes,  Y U No (theme),  Passover Meme,  
    
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Meme,  Best Jew Joke,  
    
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When Rabbi Gold was knighted by the Queen, as part of the knighting ceremony, he had to kneel before the Queen. And as we all know, Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem. On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy during the actual knighting. The rabbi was in a quandary, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish laws.

The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As her royal highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Gold. The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen began knighting each person. When she came to Rabbi Gold who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness. Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind, "Ma nish tana halilah hazeh!"

The Queen, perplexed, turned to the Prince and asked, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"...


Knight Jokes,  Queen Jokes,  Religious Jokes Clean  
    
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An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the Father for many."

The Jewish man quickly answered, "I am the Father of many, too. I have four sons, four daughters and more grandchildren than I can count. Still, I wear my collar just like everybody else. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father to hundreds of people."

The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."


Great Jewish Jokes,  Gay Insults  
    
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Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch.

He didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night.

to go to the rabbi.

'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.'

'But Sammy ! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately !'

'What shall I do ?'

'Give it back to the owner.'

'Do you want it ?'

'No, I said return it to its owner.'

'But he doesn't want it.'

'In that case, you can keep it.'


Jewish Insults,  Thief Jokes,  Theft Jokes,  
    
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A good, old American Jew felt his death wass close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"


Funny Death Quotes,  Dying Jokes  
    
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Morris and Esther, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

A few minutes later the plane lands safely, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"

"No Morris!" she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"

"Oh no, I forgot to send the check!!"

Now Morris laughs.

Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"

Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"


Airplane Jokes,  Plane Jokes,  Jokes About Money  
    
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A priest and rabbi were friendly, often getting together to chat. One
day they were at the church, when someone went into the confession box.

"Why don't you come in with me, and see what this is all about?" invited the priest. The rabbi readily agreed.

In the confessional was a woman, who pleaded, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned."

"Sin of the soul, or sin of the flesh?" asked the priest.

"Sin of the flesh," she responded.

"How many times?" he asked.

"Twice," was the reply.

"For penance," he concluded, "do 20 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers. And
put $10 in the collection plate on your way out.

Afterwards the priest and rabbi continued their discussions, when the priest's secretary called him away for a phone call. While the priest was gone, the rabbi notices someone else going into the confession box.

It was taking the priest quite some time to return, and the rabbi felt
sorry for the person waiting in the confessional. He figured he could do the job, and took the priest's place.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," stated a woman in the confessional.

"Sin of the soul or sin of the flesh?" asked the rabbi.

"Sin of the flesh," she responded.

"And how many times?" asked the rabbi.

"Once," replied the woman.

"Well," proclaimed the rabbi, "go back and do it again. We have a
special this week, 2 for $10."


Church Humor,  Priest Jokes,  Jokes About Money  
    
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