Tim Hawkins Jokes

 – 34 total
Tim: Sometimes my wife gets mad at me for behaving wrong in her dreams. Wife: I had a horrible dream last night. Wanna hear about it? Time: No. Wife: I'm going to tell you anyways. A grizzly bear was chasing me through the woods with his teeth. He was going to eat me and you did nothing. You just sat there and didn't do a thing! Time: What was I doing? Wife: You were playing poker with a rabbit, that's what you were doing. And that's the thing! You would do something like that! You would play poker with a rabbit while I was being eaten by a bear. Luckily a giant unicorn came and saved me. That's how I got saved. Not by you!
KAPPITS (1)
Kajal: Vikash
Tim: Sometimes my wife gets mad at me for behaving wrong in her dreams.

Wife: I had a horrible dream last night. Wanna hear about it?

Time: No.

Wife: I'm going to tell you anyways. A grizzly bear was chasing me through the woods with his teeth. He was going to eat me and you did nothing. You just sat there and didn't do a thing!

Time: What was I doing?

Wife: You were playing poker with a rabbit, that's what you were doing. And that's the thing! You would do something like that! You would play poker with a rabbit while I was being eaten by a bear. Luckily a giant unicorn came and saved me. That's how I got saved. Not by you!

Grizzly Bear Jokes,  Poker Jokes,  
    
100%

"Whoever wrote the song 'Easy Like Sunday Morning' didn't take his kids to church on a regular basis."
"Whoever wrote the song 'Easy Like Sunday Morning' didn't take his kids to church on a regular basis."

Funny Sunday Quotes,  Funny Church Sayings,  
    
100%

You ever drive through McDonalds drive-thru. You try to talk yourself into ordering something healthy. Try to psych yourself up. Like, Im gonna get a grilled chircken salad and a bottle of water, grilled chicken salad and a bottle of water, grilled chi Can I help you? Yeah, gimme a #1 biggie size, with some gravy on it, couple o cinnamon rolls, can you dip the bag in chocolate? Can you do that?! And a grilled chicken salad and a bottle of water. And di you ever extra fries at the bottom of your McDonalds bag? Doesnt that make your week? Like Oh! It aint over!!!!! I found some under the napkins! Oh, this is a happy meal, right here!
You ever drive through McDonalds drive-thru. You try to talk yourself into ordering something healthy.

Try to psych yourself up. Like, Im gonna get a grilled chircken salad and a bottle of water, grilled chicken salad and a bottle of water, grilled chi

Can I help you?
Yeah, gimme a #1 biggie size, with some gravy on it, couple o cinnamon rolls, can you dip the bag in chocolate? Can you do that?!

And a grilled chicken salad and a bottle of water.

And di you ever extra fries at the bottom of your McDonalds bag?

Doesnt that make your week?
Like Oh! It aint over!!!!!

I found some under the napkins!

Oh, this is a happy meal, right here!

Mcdonald Jokes,  Best Long Jokes,  
    
100%

"Fun size" is a whole bag of Snickers jammed together. SNICKALOAF!!
"Fun size" is a whole bag of Snickers jammed together.

SNICKALOAF!!

Snickers Jokes,  Candy Bar Jokes,  
    
100%

The best way to make a baked potato is to cover in sea salt, wrap it in foil, and then throw it away and order a pizza.
The best way to make a baked potato is to cover in sea salt, wrap it in foil, and then throw it away and order a pizza.

Men Cooking Jokes,  Potato Jokes,  
    
100%

Do not siphon gas with your mouth.
Do not siphon gas with your mouth.

Life Lesson Jokes,  Top Best Jokes,  
    
0%

Plastic surgery is like auto tuning your face. It's the right note but it seems a little off.
Plastic surgery is like auto tuning your face. It's the right note but it seems a little off.

Plastic Surgery Jokes,  Great Jokes One Liners,  
    
100%

Ezekiel bread is great because you can eat it or sand down a table with it.
Ezekiel bread is great because you can eat it or sand down a table with it.

Bread Jokes,  50 Best Jokes,  
    
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I know Im getting old because the batteries keep running out in my nose hair trimmers.
KAPPITS (1)
I know Im getting old because the batteries keep running out in my nose hair trimmers.

Nose Hair Jokes,  Getting Old Jokes One Liners,  
    
67%

Violets are blue Roses are red Sugar is sweet And Oprah loves bread
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Sugar is sweet
And Oprah loves bread

Oprah Jokes,  Roses Are Red Jokes,  
    
100%

Packing to leave: carefully folded clothes in organized suitcase compartments Packing to return: careless jamfest
Packing to leave: carefully folded clothes in organized suitcase compartments

Packing to return: careless jamfest

Funny Travel Quotes,  Funny Vacation Sayings,  
    
100%

Ive noticed on tv shows and movies that nobodys cellphone is ever cracked.
KAPPITS (1)
Ive noticed on tv shows and movies that nobodys cellphone is ever cracked.

Funny Cell Phone Quotes,  Movie And Tv Jokes,  
    
100%

When youre talking with a friend tilt your head at a 45 degree angle. When they ask why, say youre speaking in italics.
When youre talking with a friend tilt your head at a 45 degree angle. When they ask why, say youre speaking in italics.

Funny Nerd Sayings,  Funny Geek Jokes,  
    
0%

I remember the good ol days when hashtag meant Im done entering my credit card info or hey, lets play tic-tac-toe.
I remember the good ol days when hashtag meant Im done entering my credit card info or hey, lets play tic-tac-toe.

Classic One Liners,  Old Jokes,  
    
100%

Gonna start telling people that everything I own was made with a 3D printer.
Gonna start telling people that everything I own was made with a 3D printer.

Printer Jokes,  Best New Jokes,  
    
100%




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