A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre."What are you doing here today?" said the guy to the woman next to him."Oh I'm here to donate some blood.
They are going to give me $5 for it!" she replied."Ahhh, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25!" The guy said.The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and after chatting for a little while longer they went their separate ways.
A month later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre."Oh, hi there!" said the guy, "Are you here to donate blood again?"The woman then started shaking her head and said, "Mmmmm - mmmmm - mmmmm!"
An undertaker rings the wife of the man he is going to bury. "Mrs Jones, this is the manager of the Funeral Home, we are having a bit of a problem with your husband.""What 's wrong?" Asked Mrs Jones."As you know, Mr Jones was a rather 'big' man.
When rigor mortis sets in to a male corpse he ends up with an erection, basically we can't close the coffin lid." Says the undertaker."What can you do then?" she asks in surprise."We can get a special coffin made that is 4 inches taller than standard but it will cost you an extra $1000." He says with a sombre voice."I can't afford that.
Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?" she says.The undertaker thinks for a second, then suggests, "We could remove his penis.""Hang on, I want him all there," Mrs Jones says angrily, "I don't want bits of him all over the place!""Don't worry," says the undertaker, "We can remove his penis and insert it into his rectum.""OK but only on two conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body before the funeral." Says Mrs Jones.
A few days later the undertaker takes Mrs Jones into the back room where her husband is laid out in his best suit, looking presentable. She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last private goodbyes.As she is doing so she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and has smudges his makeup.
She looks around, and seeing she is by herself, bends down and whispers into her husband's ear, "Hurt's, Doesn't it, you fucking bastard!"
02) When asked, "Is something bothering you?" reply, "No" then get pissed off when you are believed!
03) Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, then immediately expect him to stop this behaviour!
04) Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening!
05) Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed off about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say, "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not too busy this weekend." When you mean, "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!"
07) If you are trying to sleep, it's because you are exhausted from all your super human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it is because he is lazy!
08) No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as good as your last boyfriend!
09) If he pays attention he is smothering you!
10) If he gives you space he is ignoring you!
12) Hate any pub he likes!
13) Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc., these are required gifts proving love!
14) Declare PMS at any time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him that you are irregular from all the stress of your life!
15) Remember that any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labelled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
16) Make his life a misery by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering for your needs!
17) Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2!
18) Ask for help in some endeavour, then become livid when it is given.
19) Insinuate yourself into your boyfriends group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in!