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Selfish Jokes
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"Yanny" or "Laurel" the audio clip thats tearing the interne...
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You have $400, your ex really needs $100, your girl also needs $200. How much do you have?
$400 and unread messages
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my girlfriend is half my size but takes up three-quarters of our bed. if my math is correct, she's a in
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Stop sitting on the same table with people who never buy a meal but always want to eat.
They my kids
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My husband and I just sat in our car outside of our house and ate a huge piece of carrot cake because we didn't want to share it with our kids
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One for you, one for a friend
Plot Twist: I am my friend...
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Me: I should probably start Xmas shopping for the fam
Also me:
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"Can we use ya facilities, fam?"
Joel Osteen:
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How I picture my food after being asked to share.
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Me on Christmas Day watching my family opening the gifts I bought them, thinking of all the way I could of spent that money on myself
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Me: Not long until Christmas, I better start buying for my family
Other me: Treat yo self
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"What are we"
Well you're mine and I'm single
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Me: I should invite them over for Thanksgiving since they have nowhere to go
Also me: Lie so you have more leftovers
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Cashier: Would like u to donate 10 cents to the childrens hospital
Me: Look man I'm not Bill Gates
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worker: would you like to donate $1 for sick kids?
me: haha that but lemme get another double cheeseburder
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Cashier: Your total is $123.67. Would you like to donate $1 to charity?
Me:
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