Selfish Jokes

 – 79 total
You have $400, your ex really needs $100, your girl also needs $200. How much do you have? $400 and unread messages
You have $400, your ex really needs $100, your girl also needs $200. How much do you have?

$400 and unread messages

Memes,  Jokes About Money,  
    
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my girlfriend is half my size but takes up three-quarters of our bed. if my math is correct, she's a in
my girlfriend is half my size but takes up three-quarters of our bed. if my math is correct, she's a in

Memes,  Girlfriend Insults,  
    
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Stop sitting on the same table with people who never buy a meal but always want to eat. They my kids
Stop sitting on the same table with people who never buy a meal but always want to eat.

They my kids

Memes,  Parents Jokes,  
    
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My husband and I just sat in our car outside of our house and ate a huge piece of carrot cake because we didn't want to share it with our kids
My husband and I just sat in our car outside of our house and ate a huge piece of carrot cake because we didn't want to share it with our kids

Memes,  Funny Husband Wife Jokes,  Cake Jokes,  
    
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One for you, one for a friend Plot Twist: I am my friend...
One for you, one for a friend

Plot Twist: I am my friend...

Memes,  Cute Food Jokes,  Jokes For Your Friends,  
    
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Me: I should probably start Xmas shopping for the fam Also me:
Me: I should probably start Xmas shopping for the fam

Also me:

Memes,  Xmas Meme,  Christmas Holiday Jokes,  
    
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"Can we use ya facilities, fam?" Joel Osteen:
"Can we use ya facilities, fam?"

Joel Osteen:

Funny Celebrity Jokes,  Joel Osteen Jokes,  
    
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How I picture my food after being asked to share.
How I picture my food after being asked to share.

Memes,  Funny Relatable Pictures,  Jokes On Food,  
    
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Me on Christmas Day watching my family opening the gifts I bought them, thinking of all the way I could of spent that money on myself
Me on Christmas Day watching my family opening the gifts I bought them, thinking of all the way I could of spent that money on myself

Memes,  Christmas Meme,  
    
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Me: Not long until Christmas, I better start buying for my family Other me: Treat yo self
Me: Not long until Christmas, I better start buying for my family

Other me: Treat yo self

Memes,  Shopping Jokes,  Christmas Gift Jokes,  
    
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"What are we" Well you're mine and I'm single
"What are we"

Well you're mine and I'm single

Memes,  Future Memes,  
    
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Me: I should invite them over for Thanksgiving since they have nowhere to go Also me: Lie so you have more leftovers
Me: I should invite them over for Thanksgiving since they have nowhere to go

Also me: Lie so you have more leftovers

Memes,  Funny Thanksgiving,  Evil Kermit Meme,  
    
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Cashier: Would like u to donate 10 cents to the childrens hospital Me: Look man I'm not Bill Gates
Cashier: Would like u to donate 10 cents to the childrens hospital

Me: Look man I'm not Bill Gates

Memes,  Charity Jokes,  
    
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worker: would you like to donate $1 for sick kids? me: haha that but lemme get another double cheeseburder
worker: would you like to donate $1 for sick kids?

me: haha that but lemme get another double cheeseburder

Memes,  Drive Thru Jokes,  Charity Jokes,  
    
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Cashier: Your total is $123.67. Would you like to donate $1 to charity? Me:
Cashier: Your total is $123.67. Would you like to donate $1 to charity?

Me:

Memes,  Cashier Meme,  Shopping Memes,  
    
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